Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Life is Like.... A Ferris Wheel


Sometimes it feels that life is just like a Ferris Wheel, one moment you're heading up and the next you're on your way down and throughout your whole journey you repeat this endless cycle of ups and downs, trapped in a tiny little cage with no means of altering your fate that bigger events has swept you up in.

Recently I guess I had to take a tough look at my current position in life and I guess the next decision I make will be quite the tough one which will surely bring about a huge change in my life, be it for the better or worse. I've always chidded other people who find themselves in similar position but I guess I never would have ever thought I'd be the one in their shoes at this very moment and looking at myself helplessly.

There are decisions that I've always been afraid to take for fear that the hurt and risk that follows would inadvertantly leave a scar in me. There have been so much similar scars in the past that I left burried deep inside myself and hope it never sees the light of day. Yet I guess I didn't bury this particular scar deep enough for it to manifest anew. An irrational fear that sees me gripping at the only line I can see in the water and holding on tight for fear that if I let go I might not find another lifeline to keep me afloat in the water. The fear of drowning within oneself is something that I have once experienced and that period of time in my life was especially tough to bear. The same circumstances albeit slightly different in manner presents itself again and no matter what I do I find myself drawn ever closer to it, like a moth towards the flame.

Does everyone harbour a hope and longing, no matter how impossible or how improbable it might be, for something that might never be able to be had by oneself? Does anyone just close their eyes and let leap in the faith that the next step will see you on solid ground and not plunging to the abyss? Not being religious, I don't usually hope for miracles, but sometimes the glimmer of hope for something or someone is so great that it just makes you believe.

I guess I've already been swept in the path of no return to the previous normalcy that I enjoyed. There is risk for the path I am thinking to trod, with no real concrete hope that it will end happilly. Yet I have put my foot on the path and another step and another and before I knew it, I've have already chosen the path that my heart dictates. I may end up getting hurt again, something I don't relish, even now it feels so impossible, so hard and with so little hope that I ask myself can I really do it and see it through?

It's been a long time since I felt like this, more alive than I've ever been yet at the same time so sunk deep in worries and despair that at times I feel paralysed. I want to cry, I want to shout out, I want to just be mad, yet I can't. I continue walking the path and hopefully as I ascend there is light at the end of the tunnel, yet at the same time realise that this could be an endless journey to deeper depths with no end in sight.

1 comment:

Henry Leong said...

Nice photos.