Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts

Friday, December 25, 2009

The Pursuit of Happyness


One day a girl had a bottle and showed it to a friend saying that in the bottle contained all her happiness and she was saving every little precious bit so that she'll always have it close to her. The friend saw her again one day crying and asked her why she was so sad. Looking up the girl in tears showed her the empty bottle and said she lost her happiness and she was without any left. The other girl stood silent, took the bottle and from her heart took a small piece of her own happiness and deposited it into the bottle. Stopping her tears, the first girl took the bottle back and asked "why?".

The reply, "We all want the fullness of happiness in our lives but then if we never know sadness or hopelessness, we'll forget to cherish it. So God gave us the means to keep on collecting happiness by tipping the bottle every so often, so that we may again find the joy of rediscovering our happiness and also to share it with others."

Remember it is the act of pursuing happiness that is the key to life and not the the end that should be valued. So share some happiness to those that don't have it and be enriched yourselves. Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all.

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Sunday, December 20, 2009


Life never goes the way you think it might. This year has been pretty bad for me and it seems that everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. Getting out of a rut is never easy and the worst part of it is that knowingly people that you thought you could depend on to be there walking away when things gets tough. It really feels like life doesn't have any meaning anymore at a point and all you can feel is an emptiness that just keeps on sucking the life away from you. You don't feel inspired, you don't feel joy, you just give up and lose hope that you'll ever be happy.

Being human means having to feel pain, its a constant struggle to stay on top and to keep on moving forward towards the pursuit of happiness. I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be popular, I don't want to be rich but I want to be happy and thats the hardest thing to achieve.

To those people that really hurt be, I've learnt that karma is very much real. I feel that I am going through this time of troubles because I have caused the same hurt and pains to someone else, someone that deserves better than me and because of that the cosmic balance decrees that I should receive that back in equal measures. Realising that doesn't make it easier but it does give hope that every valley soon climbs to the peak again. To those people that acted like friends in name only, I guess I'm more sad for the fact that you can treat people like that rather than what you did to me. The worst are those that used you and never once step forward to support you in any meaningful way while wanting to take and not give anything.

While I can't say that I'm completely over from the beating I had last year, I think it's time to take those few small steps to move up the mountain again, I don't know how long it will take but I'm a patient person. As I step back and review the past 20 years, I guess I am a little sad, I wished I could've been more likeable, I wished I had better friends and I wished I had achieved more of the goals I wanted to reach for. But if life gives you lemons make lemonade.

I do have to thank one friend in particular. I guess it goes to show that when you least expect it, there are people that really comes up and help you without asking for anything in return and no matter what will not take no for an answer. I think I owe my sanity to her and I would be worse for wear if she was not there to push and prod and even kick my ass when I needed it. You find the strangest connection when you least expect it and for that I thank whoever sent such a person my way. I owe much and I hope to repay that. I wish there were more people like that but this is not a perfect world. People associate with others for what they can gain from them or how they can benefit from such an association. A sad fact in this world we live in. I still hope that there are people who can accept me for who I am, judge me for what I do rather than what they expect me to do for them and will really see the person I am despite the many flaws I have. I always believe that no matter what idiosyncrasy someone has we all have our good and bad points. I've always looked beyond the shallow surface of people and always give someone a chance whether they deserve it or not but I guess expecting the same from others for yourself proves harder.

I guess I'm sad that I'm sitting here in my room alone on my birthday. It hurts. But I guess I can smile a little again and hopefully this year will pass by and the next treats me more gently. Thank you.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

No Plans

What's the use of planning if the only result you get is to see all your hard work in reaching your goals come crashing down on you and you can't do anything about it? It just leaves you depressed, disenchanted and feeling sorry for yourself. Better to live day by day without any expectations so that you don't end up hurt.

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Thursday, September 03, 2009

That's IT!!!!!!!

I'm going to set some goals to help me survive till the end of the year and hopefully by then get myself out of a rut that has been sinking me to a slow death day by day. Don't know how successful I'll be but doing something is better than nothing.

1. Stop feeling sorry for myself.

2. Remind myself that despite everything I have it better than so many people out there that are worse off.

3. Find joy in the small things.

4. Find one reason a day to feel happy about.

5. Recharge myself, get my butt out of the house and live again.

6. Rediscover my lost passion of the lens, go somewhere new each week, take photos that I like and to please no one else but myself.

7. Take one step at a time, forget the past and move on.

8. Stop stop stop feeling so helpless and depress.

9. Find real friends that accepts you for being you.

10. Rekindle relationships that has stagnated from caring for just one person.

11. Find love, but to first find reasons to love myself first.

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Who'd Ever Thought Smiling Was Hard?


If you'd told me that the simple act of smiling, of being happy and joyous and of having an uplifting feeling that tomorrow holds endless promises was something that comes naturally I would've agreed months ago. I've always been a pessimist but I've never let myself feel hurt or down or to fall into despair. When times were tough I've always been able to cope and to bounce back, all it needed was a good night sleep and the next day all way right in the world again. Yet at this moment, no matter what I do, things all feel as if all the effort I put in are futile, that whatever I do seems so pointless. It feels like the hardest thing to feel happy again and not to fall into self loathing and pitifulness. And it has never felt so lonely before ever. I know I really have to shake this feeling off, but at this point in time, I just can't. So for those out there that have someone to be with, or are able to enjoy their happiness, cherish it and grasp it so tightly that it can never escape you.

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Saturday, August 22, 2009

How to Continue Loving in a Relationship?

Ask me again in the next lifetime. I'm too hurt and fed up with it to want to go through it again.

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Saturday, August 08, 2009

Life Wasn't Suppose to Be Fair Was It?

It's been a really tough year and it doesn't look like it will get any easier as the days goes by. I've been hurt like I've never ever been before and I feel so lost. My mother was hospitalised for the best of a month and during that time it really took a toll on my dad who's getting on in age. My colleagues in the office has been in a sort of musical chairs this year as well with the result that the familiar faces of three years ago can now be counted on one hand. Friend's who you thought were genuine turns out to be double faced, turning their back when you need their support and getting snubbed in the process. I've enough heart breaks alone to really make me believe that it's no longer worth it to love anyone because it always ends in you being hurt. I've people that makes you feel inadequate, down and god damn useless. Most of all I'm lonely.

I've never really felt alone in KL before this. Its the most densely populated city in Malaysian so within such a sea of humanity how can one truly be alone? I've no close family here. Maybe everyone is just right, it's just me, the anitsocial, the hopeless socialite. Most people never know how hard it is to befriend someone, and when you think you found someone, it turns out you get back stabbed later. I've always known that I'm not the best in anything, I just try to be me, but it is never good enough. It's always something wrong with me, something not right, something non-conformist that others view as if you are like some social pariah. When you hear people at the edge you wonder how can anyone drop as far down to the point that life seems no longer liveable. It's scary that these few months the thoughts that I have to the point that I've to slap myself back to reality in case I really resort to something stupid. Pouring yourself in work helps, at least you're tired out at the end of the day to the point that you don't care anymore.

I just want to laugh again, I just ask for some happiness, I just want to be accepted and loved. Yet these simple things seem so hard that I wake up crying for no reason at all. I feel depressed and down and I have no one to turn to or want to turn to. I know this is quite scary but I'm taking things day by day hoping to move forward as much as I can. Being self pitiful isn't healping I know but I've to get through this. The lesson I learnt, getting close to someone makes you vunerable to get hurt, helping someone out doesn't always mean that someone will help you back when you are in need, being a man isn't manly unless you fit the stereotypical mold cast for all Herculean image that a man should be; masculine, confident, brash, action oriented and good looking.

When can people learn that imperfections makes us us, that there is no perfect person, that there is no such things as a happily ever after. Life is hard and yet it should not be so. I've always excepted that flaws and imperfection in others, I may not like certain people but I never fault them for it. We may not always agree but can't we be earnest and agree to disagree at times. When you try to be understanding and kind, people say you are weak and soft, when you decide to turn the other cheek, people say you don't stand up for yourself or that you re without principles, you give people space and not try to find arguments, you are called indecisive and without leadership, you try to find amicable middle ground and you end up ostracizing both ends. Maybe the flaws in me is that I'm too patient, that I ask others to act without being pushy, that I am willing to take the abuse and angry shouts and consternations because I don't want to be antagonistic, that I don't pick fights, smoke gamble or drink, that I'm perceived to be weak and it hurts. I seriously does. Well maybe life with the motto of 'survival of the fittest' isn't working for me. Maybe I'm not suited to live life at all.

Sigh Good day to you all may you all have it better then me.

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Sunday, July 05, 2009

Thank You for Visiting the Exhibition


Thanks everyone for visiting the exhibition.

Thank you to those that gave their limited time to come all the way to KLPAC for the joint exhibition by Visithra and I. The turnout from people I know were mixed but there were so many out there that gave their support by just attending and viewing the exhibits. To these people (you all know who you are) I am truly grateful to know that our friendship over the years means so much to the lot of you. First off would be from T'san and Mira for being the first to attend early on Saturday and the lovely bouquet of flowers presented to us. Then there was Kwang Meng and brother and Lay Cheng,I'm really touched that you all actually made it all the way from Ipoh to attend and walking the long distance from the KTM distance to KLPAC. Then to Kuok Sum for bringing (dragging hehe) his two lovely ladies from Toastmasters to come and visit especially since they just had to attend a meeting themselves. Jeremy Tok and his German counterparts for making an appearance. The old Master's gang, May Yen, Cheng Yi, Pei Ni and family for taking time off their ever so busy schedule and its was great catching up with everybody. My cousin Gary (Wai Ken) and his lovely girlfriend, sorry for not being able to entertain you all as I should since I was watching the Mak Yong performance. Joe and Faridah for giving us the support and space for our exhibition and for becoming our first patron.s Ripi and Ali for coming over to see us and everyone else that may not have been mentioned.

It has been quite an experience for those three weeks. It is my first exhibition and those few weekends sitting there and watching the crowd is an experience that I truly enjoyed. It touched us that so many took time before, in between or after performances to linger and comment on the photos, some even reading the articles (wordy as they were) line by line, it really shows that the effort putting those up were not wasted. I especially am intrigued that my photo of the Indian temple corridor was the one garnering so much attention, even to a point that a man walking on the opposite side of the hall made a 90 degree turn and headed straight for that one photo. Some took time to go one by one to view all 20 photos, others were more interested in particular pieces.

We wanted the exhibition to be fun yet informative. We had some people asking about the photo on Agathian Home and inquiring how they can get in touch with them. Others were interested in the shots of Pekeliling Flats, we had a few people mentioning they used to stay there and it was nostalgic. So once the three weeks were up it was a decision that was not wasted, even if we didn't turn a profit, the experience left us more the richer for it and I fell in love with KLPAC. If not for the exhibition I would not have known what joy it was to enjoy the arts. I went for my first theatre performance which cost me only RM15 and loved the Mak Yong which featured a stellar cast ensemble. I went to watch a Shakespearean play by the Young People's Theater and loved it. I was invited to attend an alternative dance to celebrate the solstice and got dragged as part of their show, led in arm (against my will) to be the centerpiece, Viz must have been laughing all the way seeing me dragged as such. I finally got to attend Urbanscapes 2009 and had a blast. I plan to continue this love of the arts and if there is a chance for another exhibition the decision will be clear. It was a lot of work and I really have to thank my partner for the hard work she put in, especially for the posters, without her this might not have pulled off. We still have photos for sale so if you are interested please contact us for the price. We are also releasing limited prints so if interested do call or get in touch. Again thanks everyone.




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Sunday, July 20, 2008

Old Friends Old Times


Good friendships are like old wine, the longer you keep and store them they don't age but mature, growing sweeter and vintaged as time goes by. It's been such a long time since I get to see the old form 6 gang, the last time was about a year and a half ago when we all gathered in town over Kenny Rogers, ice cream and shared memories. When Kwang Meng mentioned that he was coming in town after he finished his clinical and Lay Cheng was here as well. Too bad when we tried to get Thiagu he was flying off to Australia on Sat. Anan was still missing and Chin Ching is still in Penang. Me and T'san we are the few people still practically in KL had no problems meeting them at Midvalley save for the stupid police roadblocks due to the Parliment RIOT which never materialised. Overall it was fun, Kwang Meng's brother came as well though he was a bit quiet and we managed to talked on the old times, the current times and the future. Here's to another meeting which should not wait another year or more!

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

My First Published Work - Tattoo Arte Magazine


It's always glad to see something you wrote and photographed published. In the past I had a few write ins to the Star but this is the first that I've had a full article spread and photos published. It was a nice surprise when Cordelia who is an editor of the Spanish magazine Tattoo Arte contacted me after seeing the shots posted on Flickr and asked if I wanted to contribute to the magazine. At first I thought it was a bit unconventional since the magazine is mainly writing on body art such as tattoos and body piercing of which she wants me to contribute a writeup on the Thaipusam Festival that I went for with the KLFlickr group. But after a few correspondence with her and being explained the reason I readily agreed to it. Its quite a gesture since many people in Flicker has complained when finding out that unscrupulous magazines has taken their images without permission, acknowledgment and compensation which tantamount to stealing.

What Cordelia was looking for was a more local feel and understanding of the Hindu ritual as opposed to a previous interview with a foreign participant of the event in Europe. It was felt that the ritual minus the religious context and meaning to it was unbalanced and wanted my article to give a different perspective to it. After a couple of drafts of which I've to give a great thanks to the ever helpful Visithra for the editing and correction of the text, I was given notice that the board of editors were accepting the article and duly it was printed in the July Edition. Cordelia was even great enough to send me a copy, thank God the customs people didn't confiscate it as some of the content might be judged inappropriate for Malaysians.

So thanks everyone who helped me in this publications, I still wish to continue to publish if possible. Below is the entire text of the article so enjoy.


Thaipusam is a significant religious festival among the Indian community in Malaysia. Though there are other famous venues around Malaysia such as the temples in Selangor, Melaka, Penang and Johor, none comes close to the grandeur and scale achieved at Batu Caves, where thousands of devotees rub shoulders with sightseers, visitors and the curious. In multicultural Malaysia, other races join in the festival as well, some personally as part of the ritual, others bearing witness.

The trials for the devotee often begin long before the actual festival date. Those taking part undergo a strict one-month regime of fasting (often a vegetarian diet and exclusion of alcohol and abstinence of sex), songs (bhajan) and prayers to prepare them mentally and spiritually for the task. Bearing the kavadi, often a large structure made of metal frames, decorations, idols and hooks, is never a solo venture; many kavadi bearers find strength and companionship going through the rituals together, supported by their family and friends.

On the day itself, the devotee and the prepared kavadi, which is often constructed by the devotee and stored at a local temple, find themselves among their brethren at the Batu Caves. The bathing ritual is an important step to cleanse the body while symbolically cleansing the soul and spirit, and often takes place at a nearby river in which they immerse themselves for the ritual dip. Some also opt to be shaven clean, a service offered by street barbers. This done, the next step are prayers, carried out by a Hindu priest who sets up offerings of fruits, incense and spices. It is a very emotional and electrifying moment. People around work themselves up to a kind of frenzy and even observers keenly feel the energy and vibrancy all around.

Some witnesses are even caught up in the moment and enter trances. Often they are left in their frenzied state, possessed by one of the multitude of deities, which dictates the behavior of the possessed. The priest will often break the trance through the application of holy ash. The ritual is an emotional moment, many carry out this act of extreme faith to make amends for wrongdoings in the past, others as a gift of thanks for blessings in their life, and some come to honor the lost memories. Tears flow freely as a son hugs his mother and asks for forgiveness while a father touches the head of his son and offer a prayer of blessing.

The moment comes and the devotee sits on his bench and the screws are fastened on the harness. The kavadis are huge structures, often dwarfing the person carrying them by half his height and they can weigh as much a ton. Yet the physical burden is lighter then the spiritual one. Though the most common kavadis are the tall altar structures strapped to the backs of devotees, other extreme forms include piercing of hooks to bare backs as well as milder shoulder borne small wooden framed kavadis.

The priest comes with his plate of ash called vibuthi, and with a prayer, the calm expression of the devotee changes to one of built up energy and vigor. Some shout out, others must be held down by their entourage. In the trance state, the helpers begin to fasten the hooks onto the body, finishing off with skewering the cheek or tongue with tiny spear which symbolizes the vel. They feel neither pain nor burden, and amazingly no blood is shed. This is just the beginning, the devotee then makes his way along the crowded streets where other kavadi bearers follow and then faces a 272 step climb up the mountain to reach the temple. It’s slow and arduous and pit stops are common. Again, the ritual is not a solo event, musicians bearing traditional instruments like the urumi melam (drum), cymbals, nadhaswaram (wind instrument) and thavil (drum); play haunting tunes while others shout out ‘vel vel’ to encourage the kavadi bearer.

There lies the heart and soul of the ritual, it isn’t about the piercing or the trials; clearly evident to observers it is about the bonds of family and friendship. It is a time of self-reflection and of strengthening of one’s faith. A good friend of mine, Visithra, accompanying her friend in his walk was exhausted from helping to support the kavadi and sat by the side. As she felt weak and tired she chanted:

Thirumaal maruga vinao theertaruval,

varuvai umaiyal maganeh vahruvai ...

muruga muruga vadivel azhaga

varuvai varuvai arulvai kumara … muruga muruga…

(oh holy one will you not release me of my burden, oh son of umaiyal won’t you come,
muruga the handsome one, please come and bless me … muruga muruga)

These simple words, a prayer to lord Muruga, lent her the strength to rise up and move on, manifesting the power of faith and belief.

The journey ends at the temple in the caves as the barbs and skewers are removed, again without physical pain or blood to harm the devotee. Another friend helping to carry the kavadi down marvels at its weight and wonders how the bearer did it.

It is a surprise to find that there is so much interest generated outside Asia on Thaipusam. From the interviews in the magazine and personal accounts of those participating in it I feel that the ritual of bearing the kavadi, practiced without its religious context, especially in its aim of thanksgiving and penance, subtracts from the real meaning of why devotees carry out such an arduous ritual. In short, the rite of Thaipusam alone is without any true value unless it is carried out true to its original intention, which is part religious, part human values, part testing your own physical limits and part mental and spiritual cleansing. Without these components, I believe that the act of putting on kavadi is no different as with other body piercing art forms such as suspension in the air by hooks. It still demands physical and mental strength as well as challenges the limits of the human body, but it is just not the same on many levels.

As an observer, it was a great opportunity to observe up close and be caught up in the electrifying atmosphere. It helped that I accompanied friends who themselves were taking part in the kavadi and they deepened my understanding and appreciation of the ritual. Eventhough I was not participating, the raw emotions and feelings emitted by those who did were infectious and bewildering. Nothing stayed static and it felt like I was in constant motion and swept along by something larger than life. For foreigners watching the festival it is clear to see that those not accustomed to seeing such scenes were a bit squeamish, or worse, in disbelief or put off. If they did not think to delve deeper into the meaning of the festival and not just the physical ordeal, they may have left with the wrong impression and failed to grasp the real essence of Thaipusam.

Sadly, it seems that this year’s kavadi was caught up in the grasp of politics with the recent ‘Makkal Sakti’ (People’s Power) movement in Malaysia. Compared to the first kavadi procession I attended in 2007, which gathered a record number of 1.5 million people at Batu Caves, this years’ festival saw a reduced attendance which to me is a shame. I don’t foresee religious persecution in the country even though Indians are a minority in Malaysia, but people were venting their anger through their boycott of the events at Batu Caves. Yet many rose to the occasion to separate faith and politics and still came to carry out their religious rite. I expect to be there again next year and if you have the chance, come bear witness to this unique and uplifting event in Malaysia.





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Friday, July 04, 2008

A Not So Brief Moment in My Life

I've been negligent in posting as usual but due to the nature of work and other commitments I guess my usual compulsion to post one post a day had fled and I'm more relaxed in pacing my posts though not as often as I'd like. To recap some of the major things happening lately I'm going for summaries instead of full blown writings.

1) Joined the first treasure hunt in my life, though Viz, L, Prav and Gaya were giving our utmost best in squeezing our brain centers, none of us having any inkling of how the organisers actually phrase the clues, we all had fun even as we didn't win and more the wiser in our next attempt, hopefully
2) I've got conned into joining California Fitness. The next time a phone call comes to you for a free two week trial as they got your card from a draw stay the way clear, in the end I was suckered in for a year's membership option for personal training and no free two weeks because I signed one. It hasn't been all that bad I finally realise I need to control my health and if I pay its more motivation to utilise it fully without an excuse

3) I've got my new Canon EOS 400D as hinted in previous posts, loving it as well as a new 50mm lens which I've always been slobbering for. Sadly the opportunities to use it has been limited which I'm quite down about, haven't been photographing lately due to lack of opportunity
4) I took a day off from work, the first holiday in a while and went back to Kuantan with L in tow, another first and another milestone, this time her parent's didn't try to kill me off so I think that is a good sign
5) I hosted an Australian at my place for a month, he's here on work related detail at our firm and turns out to be an extremely nice guy even with all my misgivings of having another live in person after living along for so long, more like worried that he can't stand my messy habits
6) Survived a tough major Project review which sapped my time, strength and wits for the entire month of May so I'm quite pleased about it but no time to rest my laurels
7) Finally caught up with my supervisor who finally after god knows how long finished one of my crucial chapters for my master thesis within an hour (can you believe that, he could have done that ages ago with no effort) so hopefully I'll be graduating or the very least pass up my thesis after paying for no reason to the coffers of my stupid university
8) Got an offer to publish an article on Deepavali for a Spanish magazine and took the publishers offer. Hopefully this will be my first printed article and photos though its a bit obscure a source
9) Last month was full of family affairs, a cousin got married, another cousin announced that he'll be marrying by next year, another cousin is slotted to be married by November this year and another cousin just gave birth to her second kid, a girl
10) The company saw the departure of a huge portion of its staff, old and new, and it seems the office dynamics has somewhat changed with all the old hands gone and injection of new people. It's been quite quiet with the departure of an especially boisterous cousin
11) Two friends got into a bit of bad luck, one was hospitalised for denggi fever while holidaying in Perhentian with her boyfriend another saw her car being slammed by a truck and it was a new car, luckily both are fine, thank God
12) I'm dating again and I'm happy to find someone new in my life after the past breakup.

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Monday, June 09, 2008

Resoluting onwards

Update on my list of resolutions:

1. Go on a photowalk
2. Buy a new DSLR camera
3. Go on a holiday excursion for a minimum of 5 days out of Malaysia
4. Get a credit card
5. Earn an income that would make me taxable
6. Get to know 10 new people and end up with a minimum of half a good friends
7. Go out and renew contact with some old friends which I've neglected
8. Find a nice girl that I can share my life with
9. Cook at least 4 home cook meals in a week
10. Buy a business suit and pants, new eye wear and leather shoes
11. Get my photos in a print media
12. Shoot a wedding
13. Shoot a large photo project of my choosing
14. Finish my entire season of Star Trek TNG, CSI, Grey's Anatomy and Anime collection
15. Get laid
16. Ensure that my boss does not scream, throw objects, denigrate, call me stupid, and appreciate me (fat chance)

2 down tons to go

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Passage of Time


Time slows down when your bored out of your mind and have nothing to do and flys by when a dateline looms near and you have a million things to do.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Here and There Again

Living out of a suitcase and in hotels isn't all its cut out to be and truly now I understand how it feels to be 'Home' after a long period away. Well I've more or less managed to shake away my depressing mood, maybe its the fact that there's so much work ahead to do that I had to get my act together lest I fall back and also a busy mind does help in making you forget about some of your problems. Now I understand what it really is like to suffer a bout of depression and it wasn't pleasant. Usually after a discouraging day sleeping it off would work and the next day I'm springing away again as usual. This time it took nearly 3 weeks of constantly battling to keep my spirits up and find a reason to be happy. Thank God that passed. I'm just afraid that it will come back again suddenly and hit me when I least expect it again.

Well I'm off again it seems, northwards again tomorrow to Sungai Petani and the following week for a dive in Pulau Redang. I'm still hoping for a few work free days at home to just rest and relax without having to think of anything, keeping fingers cross. On a smaller note, it seems I'll be sharing my space with a counterpart of my boss for the next month, hopefully it'll be amicable.

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

Goals to Aim for in 2008

People usually posts resolutions during the New Year but due to the recent slump and to stop being a whiner that sits and rot I'm going to set up some short term goals and long term goals for 2008 and hopefully motivate me to finally settle some things that have been keeping me back. In no order of importance:

1. Go on a photowalk
2. Buy a new DSLR camera
3. Go on a holiday excursion for a minimum of 5 days out of Malaysia
4. Get a credit card
5. Earn an income that would make me taxable
6. Get to know 10 new people and end up with a minimum of half a good friends
7. Go out and renew contact with some old friends which I've neglected
8. Find a nice girl that I can share my life with
9. Cook at least 4 home cook meals in a week
10. Buy a business suit and pants, new eye wear and leather shoes
11. Get my photos in a print media
12. Shoot a wedding
13. Shoot a large photo project of my choosing
14. Finish my entire season of Star Trek TNG, CSI, Grey's Anatomy and Anime collection
15. Get laid
16. Ensure that my boss does not scream, throw objects, denigrate, call me stupid, and appreciate me (fat chance)

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Friendship and the Important Things In Life

I've been watching Sketchbook ~ Full Color's and it got me thinking when I finished with the last episode. Besides its great cast of voice actors and actresses, the water colour scenery is great as well as the slow unhurried pace of its story about a group of art class students living their daily lives in high school. A scene describing the art class having a sakura viewing picnic showed how much it means to have friendships, even if those around you are quarky or have their own foibles. Seeing a late blooming sakura trees when the trees around are near full bloom, everyone set out to help it bloom as well going to the extent of hugging it to give it that extra warmth and doing things like cheering from its branches. To normal people this may seem as pointless as pressing the lift button in the hopes of making it reach faster but you cannot dismiss their exuberance and general faith that the support they gave will bring about a change.

The comparison with Sora is that she lives life at her own pace and instead of being viewed as slow or holding others back, her friends were beside her all the way supporting and lifting her up. As she said no matter how slow the sakura tree blooms, in the end they bloom. It's a great message on the importance of friendship and accepting people as well as doing what you like best in life without the worry and stigma of being judged by others. Something that seems lacking in this world of ours but life cannot always imitate the perfectly scripted world of the anime, right?

Yet I find that sometimes this slice of life scenarios can be found here and now even. Even with all the negativity we hear about Malaysian youth's being more polarised and racially inclined, it is fortunate that I've found places that the colour of your skin, the beliefs and political alignment you profess to and the opinions each hold dear are never an issue. I've friends who are of all spectrum of race, religion and backgrounds that I'm proud to be associated with and when someone is down or browbeat, they are always there to lend their support, hear you out and extend a helping hand. Life is never easy, but its made more palatable with such people around. We should always remember that before it is to late, we should treasure what we have and give precedence to what really is important in our life, which does not always boil down to the pursuit of wealth, status or material things.

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Saturday, April 19, 2008

A Year Full of Blahs

I've been thinking, actually, NOT!. I've been so busy, receiving so much blah in my face that I don't even have the strength to think anymore. 2008 hasn't really been treating me well, I've so much things happening in my disfavour that it seems pointless to think that the next 3 quarter of the year would get any better. I've been so uninspired that I've not taken a single picture for 2 months and that really makes me feel so useless and down. I've given my all to my work, forsaking weekends, ignoring holidays, forsaking relationships and friends and for what!

It would be good at least to receive some recognition for all the long hours and sacrifice in terms of time and opportunity costs but in there end there is just more work, more yelling in my face telling me that I'm not good enough, scoldings and demotivational whats-not that even for someone with infinite patience, I think is going overboard. I was looking forward to getting a new SLR either a Canon 400D or the latest 450D and thought I'd deserve to treat myself with such a baby after working so long and saving up but with this slump I'm not sure anymore, getting it would be pointless if I don't have the interest or time to experiment and enjoy it. I truly envy that my friend who just got a good deal for a 350D and spending a week in Thailand using it and I wish I could also share the same feeling. I'm glad for her.

Sometimes you try and try and end up never meeting people's expectations. I've neglected this blog to sell my soul to a capitalist rat race culture that does not really rewards you for your efforts and what have I got? I'm still asking myself that same questions, more so recently. I really wish to reclaim my life back and start climbing out of this hole of despair but nothings helping. I'm really happy even for a moment that there are great friends out there and last night was no exception. I'm not really the social guy but being there with the mishmash group of Flickrs let me be lost in a moment of thankfulness even for a moment. Singing karaoke (which I never do) out of sync and with my horrible voices and laughing at our mistakes and trying to beat the 94 score (thank Viz for her rendition of Lambada), indulging in Big Apple chocs and Domino's pizza with an endless stream of orange cordial and root beer courtesy of Johan and Adi, laughing till our sides hurt doing stupid poses and taking shots via Casey, Erna and Prakash and generally being among the whole crazy bunch really helped me a lot. So thanks for being there guys and gals.

As for the future of my blogging and even more so for my photography activities, I really have to pull myself together and regain the two activities that I enjoy. I want to be holding on to a SLR camera and give my all out to capture pictures again and not lose out to my competitor and friend hehe. Only time will tell if I am able to do so. For now bear with the silence and down tone from mua. It really feels empty and alone at this very moment and i hate this feeling.

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

On Hiatus

Posting will be sporadic if at all for the next month until at least mid March. I'm currently heading off to Sg Petani for work and will be secluded away from the cuber space that I love. I still hope to post on and off about the experience here in Kedah and there are many stories to tell but that depends if I don't collapse from exhaustion each night or not.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

I Miss My Dogs


At this moment I wish that I still had Lady or one of her pups. I guess I never truly appreciated how much she was as a companion to me especially at times when human companionship was not enough. Yes she always dug under the fence and escaped which resulted in long chases to get her back, yes she howled for days on end when she was on heat and I barely slept a wink, yes she would trade her affection as readily to anyone that could offer her a meal based on her charm alone and she required attention and care that could send anyone nuts.

But despite all this she often sat beside me and listened as I ranted without being judgmental. I could relate anything and everything to her and she just stare back with those puppy dog eyes and stay silent, popping her head onto my lap once a while to show as if she knew what I was going through. When I couldn't sleep I would just go to the yard and she'll be there and no matter the time of the day or night she would always come and give me a welcome. Giving her a doggy treat meant the world to her and she'll treat you as if you're the only person in the world she'd ever cared for or need, at least until she decides that it would take another biscuit to renew the affection.

She was always warm to hug and never went easy with her kisses and licks. I still think of her and hope that the owner I left her with is treating her well and that she has lots of love and affection with her new family. It broke my heart when I knew I could not bring her back and still I miss her to this day. It has been lonely.

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The Endless Road Ahead

Sometimes in life you reach a fork in the road and you're unsure of which path to take. Both seems as if they would lead somewhere but which is the better course is always unclear. But, the very moment you make a choice and take that first step onto one or the other, you'll know it deep down to the very core of your soul.

I've done much soul searching the past year, I've made some very critical decisions and choices that would lead me down to a path that I would never be able to backtrack. Many times I doubted if it was for the best, many times I wonder if what lies at the end of that path I took would be something worthwhile for the opportunity loss for forsaking the other path. Sometimes it just seems that each step is just an endless crossroad and the more I had to choose the more lost I was.

There was happiness but also tinged with unexpectedness, worries and doubts. True these are expected in the journey we call life. There was hope as well, yes, and it always stayed aflame no matter how bad things got and never wavered. These past few weeks has been trying but I still cling to hope because that is all I have for now.

I don't know what the future holds, all I can do is give my best and let the dice of fate roll for the future, where it stops I will never be sure. Life is tough if I've to face it alone and yes, I do get scared.

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