Saturday, August 08, 2009

Life Wasn't Suppose to Be Fair Was It?

It's been a really tough year and it doesn't look like it will get any easier as the days goes by. I've been hurt like I've never ever been before and I feel so lost. My mother was hospitalised for the best of a month and during that time it really took a toll on my dad who's getting on in age. My colleagues in the office has been in a sort of musical chairs this year as well with the result that the familiar faces of three years ago can now be counted on one hand. Friend's who you thought were genuine turns out to be double faced, turning their back when you need their support and getting snubbed in the process. I've enough heart breaks alone to really make me believe that it's no longer worth it to love anyone because it always ends in you being hurt. I've people that makes you feel inadequate, down and god damn useless. Most of all I'm lonely.

I've never really felt alone in KL before this. Its the most densely populated city in Malaysian so within such a sea of humanity how can one truly be alone? I've no close family here. Maybe everyone is just right, it's just me, the anitsocial, the hopeless socialite. Most people never know how hard it is to befriend someone, and when you think you found someone, it turns out you get back stabbed later. I've always known that I'm not the best in anything, I just try to be me, but it is never good enough. It's always something wrong with me, something not right, something non-conformist that others view as if you are like some social pariah. When you hear people at the edge you wonder how can anyone drop as far down to the point that life seems no longer liveable. It's scary that these few months the thoughts that I have to the point that I've to slap myself back to reality in case I really resort to something stupid. Pouring yourself in work helps, at least you're tired out at the end of the day to the point that you don't care anymore.

I just want to laugh again, I just ask for some happiness, I just want to be accepted and loved. Yet these simple things seem so hard that I wake up crying for no reason at all. I feel depressed and down and I have no one to turn to or want to turn to. I know this is quite scary but I'm taking things day by day hoping to move forward as much as I can. Being self pitiful isn't healping I know but I've to get through this. The lesson I learnt, getting close to someone makes you vunerable to get hurt, helping someone out doesn't always mean that someone will help you back when you are in need, being a man isn't manly unless you fit the stereotypical mold cast for all Herculean image that a man should be; masculine, confident, brash, action oriented and good looking.

When can people learn that imperfections makes us us, that there is no perfect person, that there is no such things as a happily ever after. Life is hard and yet it should not be so. I've always excepted that flaws and imperfection in others, I may not like certain people but I never fault them for it. We may not always agree but can't we be earnest and agree to disagree at times. When you try to be understanding and kind, people say you are weak and soft, when you decide to turn the other cheek, people say you don't stand up for yourself or that you re without principles, you give people space and not try to find arguments, you are called indecisive and without leadership, you try to find amicable middle ground and you end up ostracizing both ends. Maybe the flaws in me is that I'm too patient, that I ask others to act without being pushy, that I am willing to take the abuse and angry shouts and consternations because I don't want to be antagonistic, that I don't pick fights, smoke gamble or drink, that I'm perceived to be weak and it hurts. I seriously does. Well maybe life with the motto of 'survival of the fittest' isn't working for me. Maybe I'm not suited to live life at all.

Sigh Good day to you all may you all have it better then me.

1 comment:

hazel said...

Dear Kervin,

I do not know when this was posted but by reading it I am sure you have been hit by a big smash.Bad times do comes all in once and each time you are hit by it; yet overcome it, you are a better you.Family disregards me, friends cheat me, career and my peers disagree with me, my love hit me and I don't believe in God. Tried end my life a few times and now I come to term that it won't work. I never fail to believe in love, how so? Because it is not the love and confident and the good kind words that they delivered you,you live on. Sometime I put my hand to my chest and ask myself after all these years that I have straggle live and dead, do I just stop to love anyone or everyone? Honestly, I can't do that, I've tried hard but I can't keep it. So, here I learn that love does not come from them that I survive but it is the love inside me. From there too I learn to appreciate the very macro mini things around me. This a little thinng I like to share with you:"I felt rejuvenated and thankful when I breath in the first dawn air, I felt amaze when gazing at the blanket of stars on a dark sky, I felt tears when I saw the birth of all nature, I felt weak when heard of the death of war, I felt thankful when a friend has pass her exam, I felt love when I saw old couple holding hands, I appreciate each moment with all I love, I kept the memories of all the happy and the sad, I believe the nature has it wisdom, I speak honestly of what I feel, either good or bad. This is my way to live fully and still learning to master it. Do you do that too?" I am always glad I am me. :) Thanks for sharing your feelings and it is precious.