Sunday, December 20, 2009

Thoughts

Life never goes the way you think it might. This year has been pretty bad for me and it seems that everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. Getting out of a rut is never easy and the worst part of it is that knowingly people that you thought you could depend on to be there walking away when things gets tough. It really feels like life doesn't have any meaning anymore at a point and all you can feel is an emptiness that just keeps on sucking the life away from you. You don't feel inspired, you don't feel joy, you just give up and lose hope that you'll ever be happy.

Being human means having to feel pain, its a constant struggle to stay on top and to keep on moving forward towards the pursuit of happiness. I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be popular, I don't want to be rich but I want to be happy and thats the hardest thing to achieve.

To those people that really hurt be, I've learnt that karma is very much real. I feel that I am going through this time of troubles because I have caused the same hurt and pains to someone else, someone that deserves better than me and because of that the cosmic balance decrees that I should receive that back in equal measures. Realising that doesn't make it easier but it does give hope that every valley soon climbs to the peak again. To those people that acted like friends in name only, I guess I'm more sad for the fact that you can treat people like that rather than what you did to me. The worst are those that used you and never once step forward to support you in any meaningful way while wanting to take and not give anything.

While I can't say that I'm completely over from the beating I had last year, I think it's time to take those few small steps to move up the mountain again, I don't know how long it will take but I'm a patient person. As I step back and review the past 20 years, I guess I am a little sad, I wished I could've been more likeable, I wished I had better friends and I wished I had achieved more of the goals I wanted to reach for. But if life gives you lemons make lemonade.

I do have to thank one friend in particular. I guess it goes to show that when you least expect it, there are people that really comes up and help you without asking for anything in return and no matter what will not take no for an answer. I think I owe my sanity to her and I would be worse for wear if she was not there to push and prod and even kick my ass when I needed it. You find the strangest connection when you least expect it and for that I thank whoever sent such a person my way. I owe much and I hope to repay that. I wish there were more people like that but this is not a perfect world. People associate with others for what they can gain from them or how they can benefit from such an association. A sad fact in this world we live in. I still hope that there are people who can accept me for who I am, judge me for what I do rather than what they expect me to do for them and will really see the person I am despite the many flaws I have. I always believe that no matter what idiosyncrasy someone has we all have our good and bad points. I've always looked beyond the shallow surface of people and always give someone a chance whether they deserve it or not but I guess expecting the same from others for yourself proves harder.

I guess I'm sad that I'm sitting here in my room alone on my birthday. It hurts. But I guess I can smile a little again and hopefully this year will pass by and the next treats me more gently. Thank you.

2 comments:

sabrina said...

Please allow me my 2 cents

This year has been a horrible year for me too....but i've learnt that pain is necessary for growth to happen. If we want to attain that enlightenment....that state where we are above the ego and free from the bondage of karma and wordly matters, then pain is unfortunately necessary

So as much as it hurts, try to be thankful for it and use it as a push to grow. Not everyone is so blessed to be given the opportunity or to recognize that it is in fact an opportunity to grow. To finally be free.

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"

I hope next year is better for you

Anonymous said...

Chong Sum Chung- we're now married ;) I know you're busy with the house and work and looking after the wife and all, but can you pleeaaassseee update your blog? Every time I come visit, I have a silent hope of seeing a new post. And this year's birthday, you're gonna be happy!!!!